I preach to my people to be positive and outgoing most of the time. I actually think I do a pretty good job showing the positive side of life since that is the way I look at it. Then I wake up one morning feeling so low in energy and hope, it is difficult to understand. I have been awake since 5:00 am and as my force comes from my Creator, I have been praying and asking the Lord not to leave me today. Not today of all days, today I especially feel worn out and no matter how I analyze the situation, there seems to be a louder voice telling me that things might complicate even more before they start to improve.
As I start the day, I feel I should slow down and I even feel lazy to do things that normally I would do without any effort. I wonder what it is that blocks in our mind to make any tiny task the most dreadful thing to do. So I decide to give in and just go with the flow….. I actually am at my minds command today and will only do what my mind feels like.
As I had depression many years ago, I wonder….. Do you really get passed that? Or will you have some depression episodes every now and then. Is this the way a mind with depression works after the first episode that actually took you to see a psychiatrist?
These low motion moods do scare us (the ones that had depression at some point in life) since we would do almost anything not to fall into the hole of depression ever again. And then we start denying the fact that for one day you could have a low energy mood. You start not allowing yourself to be how you are being for one day. How do you tell people around you that you are at the lowest energy level for the day and still expect people to understand and not make anymore questions or stupid comments.
So it becomes easier to fake being ok, so if you need to answer the phone, you put the best voice and even put a tone of excitement not to have to explain what the issue is. If the door bell rings and your neighbor comes to ask for a favor, you go out of your way to do it. You do what it takes not to have to explain to anyone how you are feeling.
One of the major problems to have a low motion mood for a day or two is to feel guilty for not doing what you are supposed to be doing. Your mind already jumps to asking you: are you going to waste your day? You need to work on your accounting, how about going to the gym to exercise and lunch…. Will you go grocery shopping today? And laundry, I could do laundry, but why? Why do laundry… oohh gosh …..
Since one of the things that actually help me when I feel these moods is writing, that is what I do, I write and put down all I could never tell anyone just not to have to deal with the answering questions or listening to what you don’t want to listen to.
So here I am listening to my classical music and writing, enjoying the freedom of putting anything I want on paper, allowing me to be slow, not to do what I am supposed to do, to feel under the weather, to eat anything even if it is not healthy, to complain, to not see the bright side of things. While writing I become brave and I allow myself to imagine how everything is going to get worse before it improves and then I write here that even if that happens and God loves me nothing will happen to the ones I love. So I send my scare feelings to where they came from and now I can relax and enjoy my day of low motion…. Where I don’t have to do anything of what is expected of me. Lucky me, I am alone today, husband traveling and I have the house all to myself.